Marry Your Self
My boyfriend used to ask his mother, "how can I find the right woman for me?" and she would answer, "don't worry about finding the right woman-concentrate on BECOMING the right man."
We must become the women that we are first, before entering fully into a relationship (some women can do this work while in a good relationship.)
So often, I just molded myself into whatever the relationship seemed to need or require.
One time, after a long-term relationship had ended, a friend challenged me and said, "can you just spend some time ALONE now?"
The idea of being alone terrified me. So I got a cat. This helped.
I entered a long period of celibacy, therapy, and learing to fall in love with myself.
Learing to fall in love with yourself is an immense challenge-I'm still learning!
I began to have conversations with other women about being alone, and what it meant to us.
We spoke of "celibate dating," of men friends, and mysteries of romance, of claiming our own time, of sculpting, jewelry design, and how couples are sometimes held up as the ideal. I said, "people don't talk about how much work it is is to be a couple!"
One of the women said, "when you're alone, you can create your own mythology and nobody challenges you. In a relationship, your own bullshit gets reflected back much quicker."
I found that society is mystified by women alone. We don't commonly celebrate aloneness the way we celebrate couples.
Nobody says, "how's your love life? with yourself?"
For awhile, I noticed couples everywhere. Everyone seemed to be "in love" except me. Then I began to realize the gifts that learing to love myself gave.
FINALLY I WASN'T WAITING TO BE LOVED!
I took vacations alone, bought clothes for my tastes only, read books undisturbed, and turned off the phone for days at a time.
Then, it seemed time to be in union with myself, so I performed a metaphysical marriage, and promised to love and honor myself until the end.
What this meant was that instead of waiting to be married or partnered, I decided to marry myself in a ceremony by the ocean with a private ritual to celebrate.
Try this: Marry yourself. Creat a small wedding in nature, or somewhere special to you. Invent your own vows or promises, buy yourself a ring and flowers. Love and honor yourself until the end of time!
I had truly stopped looking for a partner, and wrote in my jornal how at peace I was, but if I was looking, this is the lype of lover I would want:
ABUNDANTELY CREATIVE. DEEPLY GENEROUS. FUNNY. DOESN'T SNORE. EMBRACES EMOTIONS. A TRULY CREATIVE AND ECCENTRIC PERSON TO SPEND ORDINARY AND REMARKABLE MOMENTS WITH. WONDERFUL LOVER!
TRY THIS: Make a list of what qualities you would want your soulmate to have.
Then I also felt it was time to stop therapy, and began the process of termination. I said, "the only thing that could keep me in therapy would be if I fell in love."
The following week I met Craig.
P.S. He snores
