Its truly been several weeks since I've post, which is massively sad on my part but such is life. I am coming out of a funk that I had been in for some serious time. I was questioning so many things in my life.
Do I want to move back to fl? If I stay in tx do I want to leave dfw? Do I want to move to San Antonio to finish school? Do I want to just run away from my life in general? So many things that I'm asking myself because so many things are going on.
The thing that's at the top of my brain is that I'm going to be a great aunt. Yeah my niece is pregnant, 4 months along to be exact. (Please don't comment about this on my fb, not a lot of people know and I don't want them finding out that way. Thank you) it was truly killing me inside that I'll be a great aunt before I'm a mother. It hurt, felt like a slap in the face. Unless its a joyous comment I can't ask questions or make comments. I'm suppose to stay out of this situation, but its so damn difficult to stay out of a situation you keep getting dragged into.
I am now aware more then ever of how selfish I am, my sister is and definitely my niece is! I am slowly growing happy because I'll have another baby relative to love on, but I fear I'm going to be used in the same way I have been used for the past 18yrs. 1st as a non paid nanny, then as a atm and finally as a scapegoat.
I am exhausted and I am trying to be loving and supportive but if it weren't for the connections I feel through my church id bounce. Truly and seriously.
I need a drink, no make that ten. And I need a vacation. I just need to get away from feeling less then or getting fussed at. I am freeing myself from depression and anxiety and I'm forgiving but 2 seconds later a comment is said and actions are made and I'm left out like I don't matter. No wonder I act like a child, because I'm treated like on! Sooner rather then later I'm gonna have to take the dogs and leave, period
Everyone has a right to be a little bit selfish. If you give everything and keep nothing for yourself, what point is there to life? I understand wanting to move on and make some changes to find your own place to be happy. You deserve happiness. You deserve to feel like you matter, because you do. The world needs more people like you.
ReplyDeleteMy opinion? Find your own place. Even if it is in the DFW area, but get out. Don't let yourself be used the way you have in the past. Say no when they ask. The time will come when you will be where you want to be and it will be worth the time you spent wondering what was going on. You are amazing and you need to get out and see that again. I know you can do it. And as for a Vacay...I got you covered. ;)
ReplyDeleteThe nook won't let me comment. If this one goes through I'll message later what I've tried to send for 2 days now
ReplyDeleteAlright lets see if I can comment. I will be making an updated version of my ranting sometime soon and how I feel after my ranting
ReplyDelete